Hardship
by DeservingLife'sFlaws
Summary: After the death of her Granddad Brittany finds her life taking a downward spiral, especially when bad things appear to keep on happening. The darkness is threatening, day after day, to overpower her but will she succumb to it or will she hang on and wait to see what fate has planned for her? Warnings inside. Eventual Brittanna.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! I had this idea the other night and decided to give it a go and see what people think. This story won't be a happy one for a while although some happy things happen throughout. **

**Warnings; self harm, thoughts of suicide, death. **

**Santana will be mentioned but a relationship won't form for a while as there are other things centring around this story too. Please read and review!**

**Chapter One**

The phone call came early on Saturday morning. I took the phone out from under my pillow and groggily pressed the green button, connecting a call I'd been dreading for months. Without realising what this could potentially mean I murmured _hello _into the receiver and sat up slowly in bed.

"Brittany, sweetheart, could you get your mom?"

Suddenly all my senses were alert. I sat up straighter, my mind no longer sifting through the hazy fog, but staring at a black wall that nothing could penetrate. My Nan said my name again and I coughed, trying to ease past the block in my throat. Before I could speak, however, another voice latched on to the line and I settled back into saying nothing.

"It's all right, Britt, I've got it,"

My mom sounded as worried as I felt and it was obvious they were waiting for me to put the phone down. I quietly disconnected the call and listened as my mom made her way past my bedroom and downstairs, muttering into the phone as she went. When I was sure she'd gone far away enough I pressed the green button again and held the phone to my ear, not sure I wanted to hear anything.

"I think he's on his way," My Nan said softly, tears cushioning her throat.

"Why, mom? What's happening?" My mom asked, not yet letting herself believe what her mom was actually telling her.

"He cried out in the night, it's the first time he's spoken in weeks," She mumbled. "He said his brother's name,"

"Oh, mom," My mom murmured. I could picture her now; her hand would be on her chest, her eyes would be wide, she'd be looking at the floor or the wall but seeing nothing. "I'm coming over,"

"Oh, darling, you don't have to do that,"

"I want to be there," My mom said firmly, not saying what she really meant.

I pressed the red button again and pressed the palms of my hands into my eyes. This was not happening, this was not the end. I stood up and wobbled slightly, catching myself on the bedside table. Before walking downstairs I paused at the doorway to my sister's room and poked my head inside. She was fast asleep; her body sprawled across her bed, her mouth slightly open, her mind blissfully unaware. For a second I imagined crawling back into bed and trying to pretend this was a dream but I knew it wasn't so continued my walk downstairs.

My mom no longer had hold of the phone. Instead she held a pair of jeans and her coat. I could only watch as she put both on over her pyjamas and grabbed her car keys. She hesitated at the front door and turned around, worry etched into her features.

"I'll see you soon," She whispered.

I nodded and watched her leave, the front door barely making a sound as she shut it behind her. I made my way into the kitchen where the phone lay, destructive, on the counter. I closed my eyes briefly then switched on the kettle, the sound blocking out the thoughts that were walking through my mind. The clock said it was quarter to eight but it felt much earlier than that.

I made myself a cup of tea then sat down on the couch in the living room, holding the mug with both of my hands. The ticking of the clock was the only indication that any time was passing but I wasn't aware of it. With a jolt I realised that it was the 1st of January and I silently recalled a conversation involving my mom's friend and my Granddad where he told her he'd still be there to wish her a Happy New Year. A pain shot through my heart and I sat up straighter, rubbing the back of my neck.

When I finished my tea I placed it in the sink and looked around. There were plates piled up on the side from last night's dinner and glasses in various places around the house that could do with clearing up. I collected them all and, rather than using the dishwasher, I placed them all in the sink and began to manually wash them myself.

By the time my mom got home at eleven my stepdad and sister were awake, awaiting news like me. My sister, at three years old, wasn't aware of the situation but her grumpy attitude signified that he knew something was wrong. I chewed on my fingernail as I waited for my mom to hang her coat up and enter the living room.

"He's still here," She said quietly. "But I don't think there's much longer," She shook her head as she said it almost as if she couldn't believe what she was saying.

I looked away as she spoke, not able to watch her face any longer, and instead focused on the innocent face of my sister, staring blankly at the television. Her hands were curled around her favourite toy that she never went anywhere without and I suddenly wished I had something that could make me feel better too. Which is when I realised I did.

"I'm going to go upstairs, get dressed," I said to no-one in particular.

"Well, don't be long will you? I'm going to make us an early lunch and then we can go round and see them," My mom said.

My bedroom was dark and warm, just how I liked it. I closed the door and leant against it, breathing heavily as the morning's events hit me like a brick in my stomach. I sank to the floor and tried to control my pounding heart but everything in me was screaming the end and I wasn't sure how to switch it off.

Once I was dressed I opened my bedside drawer and unfolded a pair of socks. Sitting there, right in the middle, waiting for me, was my razor blade. As soon as my skin made contact with its sharp edge I felt my breathing level out and I was able to sit down without shaking. I folded my sleeve up to my elbow and placed the blade against my skin. I closed my eyes as I dragged it down. I felt the blood well up instantly but I wasn't done. I continued to move it along my arm, dragging it down and waiting for the blood to appear, before moving on. When I reached my hand I dropped the blade on the floor and looked down at my arm. The blood was everywhere, painting my arm in a sickening red but it was glorious to look at. _Almost as glorious as Santana, huh? _I shook my head as the voice spoke, ridding myself of the brunette beauty that appeared in my mind at its words. I couldn't think of her right now, it wouldn't help. I opened the drawer and pulled out some toilet roll that I kept there for times like this. It was only when I had wiped away the surrounding blood that I saw it. Carved into my arm was the word _Granddad._

X

When I walked back downstairs again I could see that my mom had made us lunch but the only one eating was my sister. She sat in her high chair, stuffing whatever was on her plate into her mouth, chewing absentmindedly as she stared at whatever rubbish was playing. I myself couldn't eat anything, not with what could happen any time soon.

I waited impatiently to leave, wanting nothing more than to sit by my Granddad's bedside and talk to him like I did every time I went over there. He knew my biggest secret, something I'd never told anyone because I was too much of a coward. I guess knowing he couldn't judge me for it or tell anyone else about it was what made me spill it. Either way I was glad he knew; if it had to be anyone it would be him.

My mom switched the television off and took her car keys from the top of the microwave as I stepped closer to my sister to lift her out and get her coat on.

"Let's go then," My mom said, walking past me.

"He's gone,"

We all turned around, watching my sister's face. If her lips hadn't have moved I wouldn't have believed she had spoken but she was looking back at us with such a normal expression it shocked me.

"What, Emily?" My mom asked, coming forward with a frown on her face.

"Granddad's gone," She said again, her voice loud and clear.

No-one said a word, merely continued to look at my sister like she was out of her mind. When the phone started ringing we all jumped, blinking like we'd just woken up from a dream and weren't sure where we were.

"I don't want to answer it," My mom said. "I told Judy Fabray to call me and I don't want to talk at the moment,"

My stepdad picked up the phone as I lifted my sister from her seat and placed her on the floor. The next words I heard had my knees buckling beneath me, the room getting smaller and smaller as I watched helplessly.

"He's gone?"

I turned around fast, my neck cricking. My stepdad looked beyond shocked, his eyes wide, his mouth hanging open, his eyebrows furrowed together. I couldn't look at my mom. I knew she was staring at my stepdad, like me, but I wasn't sure of how she looked. I didn't want to know.

"She just keeps saying he's gone," My stepdad said in disbelief as he handed the phone to my mother who hadn't moved an inch.

I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks but I didn't know anything yet. My stepdad could have heard wrong. Maybe she said he _might _havegone, maybe there was still hope. But then my mom spoke and with the hope went my strength. I could just hear my mom telling my Nan that we were on our way but I didn't process the words. I forced my way past them all and took my coat off the peg with shaking hands.

"He can't be gone," I said, quietly at first before the scream ripped through my throat. "He can't be gone! We... We were on our way to see him!"

My mom walked past me, her face covered in tears, and unlocked the door.

"Let's just get round there, okay?" She said shakily, placing a single hand on my arm.

"He can't be gone..." I repeated.

I climbed into the back of the car, sobbing as we drove towards my Nan and Granddad's house. My sister sat next to me, unaware of the world as I knew it breaking apart. My stepdad spoke briefly about taking her to her auntie's house and my mom seemed to respond but I couldn't process any of it. I watched the houses disappear as we raced past, not truly understanding how the rest of the world was going on when my own world was vanishing before my eyes.

My Nan and Granddad lived in a block of flats about fifteen minutes away from us. It was like a big home for old people except not like the home you see on television. They all had their own flats but sometimes they got together in their lounge and played bingo or had tea and coffee. I had always liked it there purely because I seemed to connect with old people on a level that I couldn't connect with people my own age. Plus, I had always found them rather fascinating. They had a lot to tell the world, a lot of history. I could listen to some of them talk all day.

The flats were quiet when the car pulled up. As I fumbled with my seatbelt and left the car my mom kissed my stepdad goodbye and got out too, slipping slightly in her hurry. Both of us didn't look back as we ran towards the main door and my mom's hands were shaking as she opened it.

I was terrified and calm all at once, not wanting to do this, not wanting to walk into that flat and see what I'd been dreading for months. My mom paused before unlocking my Nan and Granddad's door and pushing her way inside. The bedroom was to our right and that was where my Granddad had been, lying motionless for at least two weeks now, so we walked into there and I swear my heart stopped.

My Nan was curled over my Granddad's body, a body that was as still as any statue, loud sobs escaping her. One hand was clutched around the locket on her neck but the other was in his, holding on so tightly I felt sure it was the only thing keeping her standing. My mom hurried over and put her arm around her, looking down at her dad with so much sadness in her eyes that I had to look away.

"Oh, dad," She said, quietly at first but then sobs wracked her too and she joined her own mother, curled over my Granddad. "Dad,"

I couldn't bear to keep standing there but I couldn't move either. My legs were glued to the ground, so heavy that I couldn't have moved them if I tried. I still didn't want to believe what was looking at me in the face but how could I not? One thing stood out to me, one thing was missing, the one thing I'd looked for and held on to every time I'd been here. His breathing; that horrible, ragged, yet beautiful sound of him breathing had gone. In its place was silence.

"Come on," My Nan muttered, straightening up and patting her chest. "Come on,"

"Mom, he's gone," My mom sobbed, unable to move away from him.

"Come on," My Nan repeated. "You're upsetting Brittany,"

I looked up at my Nan, unsure of how to say that my mom wasn't upsetting me at all, that her dad had gone, that she had every right to be as upset as she was. But my own tears were clogging my throat and even trying to speak felt like swallowing cotton wool. Before I could open my mouth, however, my Nan was stepping past me, her walking stick making comforting noises as she walked away.

Instead of following her I slowly walked forward, not sure how I was making my legs move one after the other. My mom was softly stroking his hand with her thumb but that wasn't what I was focusing on. I was looking at his beautiful face, the face in which I'd looked as a child and seen as my only comfort at times; the face that had smiled at me when I rode a bike for the first time; the face that had cried with me when our next door neighbour had died even though neither of us had liked him much. Now I looked and saw nothing. For the past few weeks he had deteriorated far more quickly than anyone could have imagined. He hadn't been able to move much and then he hadn't been able to move at all. He lost his appetite and then stopped eating altogether. He was there when we saw him on Christmas, sitting up in bed and smiling but the last week had seen him sleep and Christmas was the last time I'd seen him.

His eyes had sunk back into his head. It made me think of soup, when you push the spoon in and it eventually covers it. I wondered how long it would be before he disappeared completely. His face was white as if all the colour had been drained from it but his lips were already blue. My mom was murmuring that he was cold and attempted to pull his blankets over him. I almost expected him to open his eyes and move himself but he didn't.

My mom and I eventually followed my Nan into her living room where she was stood in the kitchen, looking out of the window but not really seeing much at all. She still had hold of her locket as if holding onto it would make this nightmare go away. But my Nan wasn't stupid; she knew it was over.

She turned around when she heard us and pasted a fake smile onto her face. I couldn't find the strength or the energy to even try and smile back at her, however feebly.

"Shall I make us a nice cup of tea?" She asked, already switching the kettle on and using her one free hand to pull three cups from the cupboard. "Isn't that what the British do when something happens?"

At first I didn't really understand what my Nan had said. Then it seemed to sink in and I looked at my mom who looked sadly back at me. Maybe this was just her way of dealing with it.

"The nurses are on their way," She said slowly, the kettle fumbling in her hands as she spoke.

"Don't we need a doctor?" My mom asked.

I couldn't bear to listen to their conversation any more. I walked back out of the room without them noticing me and re-entered my Granddad's room. He was in the same position as he was when we'd left him but I don't know why I expected any different. Fresh tears fell from my eyes as I stepped closer to him. As I looked at his features I pictured the first time we'd received a phone call in the night. I had been in my room, staring blankly at the ceiling, willing sleep to just come and get me already but then the phone had rung and I'd sat bolt upright, already mentally preparing myself for what might be happening. My stepdad had answered again purely because he was the only one awake and downstairs at the time. I had stood at the top of the stairs, trying to work out what was going on and as soon as I realised it was my Nan I'd run to my mom's bedroom, merely saying the words "It's Granddad".

I stepped a bit closer but after that I couldn't go any further. My breathing was getting faster as I looked at him and I had to turn away to compose myself. My heart was too fast for me to keep up with. I leant against my Nan's dresser for support, tears running a river giving me the illusion that I was drowning; it felt like I was.

I turned back to look at him and wondered if he could see me now, if he knew just how much this was hurting. I spent another ten minutes trying to force myself to get closer to him, to hold his hand, to _say _something but I couldn't. A sob ripped through my throat as I backed out of the room, the pain suddenly too much to bear.

X

The nurses and a doctor arrived shortly after I returned to the living room and my Nan handed me a cup of tea. I sat numbly as she led them into the bedroom, the heat from the mug burning my hands. My mom went with them, leaving me alone but that was fine by me. Right now I was welcoming the solitude.

They came back without the nurses and doctor and both of them had started crying again. I put my mug on the tray my Nan used for meal times and stood up, using one arm to hug my mother and the other to hug my Nan. I don't know how long we were standing there, each clinging to each other as if we'd fall if we didn't. I guess it must have been a while for the doctor came back and asked to speak to my mom and Nan alone.

My mom looked at me and curled her hand around my cheek, a small smile on her face. She gently caressed me with her thumb then let her hand drop and followed my Nan out. I went and sat back down, my head in my hands, wondering how on earth my life had changed so much in the space of an hour. I heard a horn beep in the distance and raised my head again, startled that the world was carrying on.

I picked up the phone off the shelf next to me and dialled my dad's number. From the age of four I had lived with both my parents and my grandparents and this had only changed when my parents got divorced seven years later. My dad may not have got on with my Nan at times, feeling she was always there when he wanted the space and privacy but he still cared about her and he'd adored my Granddad.

"Hi, dad," I said, clearing my throat.

"Hello, sweetheart, how are you?" My dad asked, the tapping of keys the only noise in his background.

"He's gone," I said before I could stop myself.

The typing stilled.

"What?"

"He's gone," I repeated.

I heard my dad sigh and lean back in his chair. Neither of us spoke for several minutes; me because I was giving him time and him because he was... well, upset.

"Bless him," He finally said.

"The nurses are here with him," I said, although I couldn't have told you why. I couldn't think of what else to say.

"They'll... they'll make him comfortable," My dad said even though he'd already gone and wouldn't be feeling much of anything.

"Yeah, yeah they will,"

"Well, tell your mom, if there's anything I can do,"

"I will, dad," I promised.

"I'll speak to you later," He said and hung up.

I sighed and pressed the receiver against my forehead. I'd known he'd be devastated but I didn't want him to be on his own through this. My mom came back alone, her face red and patchy. I put the phone back and looked up at her, resting my chin on my hands.

"He's gone," She said quietly, sitting down on the other armchair.

I nodded and looked down, instead focusing on the shoes I had on. They didn't go at all with what I was wearing but I hadn't been thinking about that when we'd left. I couldn't believe I was thinking about it now either.

"The nurses are cleaning him now," Her voice broke as she spoke and she paused to right herself before carrying on. "The doctor's calling the funeral home, they're going to come and pick him up soon,"

At this I looked up. What did she mean? My thoughts must have shown in my face for my mom gave me a sad smile.

"He can't stay here, can he?"

Now, as she said that, I realised she was right. How could he stay here when his poor body wouldn't stay as it was? My Nan wouldn't want to lie next to that every night. I don't think I would want to either.

The bell ringing made me jump and my mom's face went even whiter, leading me to believe that the people from the funeral home were there. My mom got up and went to answer the door and I slowly followed her, peeking my head around the side to see who it was. At the door was one of my Nan and Granddad's friends. She was crying and her husband, who stood behind her, looked emotionless.

"I'm so sorry," They said as my mother stepped back to let them in, her face crumpling.

"They're just through there," My mom said, pointing into the bedroom and allowing them to enter before walking in behind them.

There was no way I was going in. It was bad enough having to see the pain my Nan and mom were in, without seeing how their friends would deal with it too. I sat back down, my face wet, and glanced up to see a picture of my Granddad on the wall. I remembered when it was taken too. All you could see was his head. His eyes were alive and he was smiling, such a beautiful smile it made my heart catch to look at it. You could see little white hairs around his head but the top was bald. He was wearing his glasses and looking so happy you wouldn't think he was ill. It had been taken only three months ago, when the cancer hadn't been showing itself. We had gone out to a fancy restaurant to celebrate my Nan's birthday. She'd turned eighty.

I couldn't bring myself to smile back at him. My face screwed up and I placed my head back in my hands where I let myself sob. The clock was still ticking as I sat there, tears working their way down my wrists, mingling with the bandage and tissue I'd placed there this morning. I knew how ugly I looked when I cried but right now I didn't care. All I knew was that crying was all I could do right now.

"The funeral people are here,"

I looked up to see my mom standing in the doorway. She'd been crying again; I could tell by her eyes. You could tell a lot about people from their eyes.

"I think you should stay in here, it might be too upsetting,"

I nodded gratefully and waited until she'd gone before I stood up. Three men stood in the doorway, saying how sorry they were for our loss. I felt angry then for the word 'loss' didn't fit at all. We hadn't lost him, we knew where he was. His death was more than that anyway. It was a break, a hurricane, a devastation.

I couldn't watch as they brought in the stretcher. The thought of my Granddad being taken away on that, taken away from me, had me bending over to stop the torrent of pain working through my chest. I didn't watch when they carried him away either. I didn't think I could see his body again and besides, what if he fell off or they fell over and dropped him? It was something I'd rather not.

I heard my mom and Nan thanking the nurses for everything they'd done and waited patiently for them to re-enter the living room. Both of them looked as bad as I felt. I turned to look out of the window and saw the hearse sitting quietly on the road outside. When I saw the first man, however, I looked away, focusing instead on the tree directly in front of one of the windows. I counted to sixty in my head and looked up just in time to see the hearse driving away.

"They're leaving," I murmured.

"Please, don't," My Nan said quietly, unable to look out of the window.

At the last minute though, just before the hearse disappeared completely, she turned around and watched as her husband was driven away, taking with him her heart.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

I can't say I slept much that first night. We'd come home once my Granddad was taken away, insisting that my Nan come with us because we didn't want her on her own. For once she'd agreed and even admitted that being alone wasn't what she wanted either. We'd had a Chinese for dinner but I couldn't stomach it. I had looked down at the plate of food in front of me and swallowed the bile that rose with it, certain I was going to be sick. I'd then forced myself to stay downstairs, watching the seconds pass by until it got to a point where I was able to say 'I'm going to bed'.

My mom and Nan quickly agreed, seemingly as grateful as I was that bed was an option. My Nan would be sleeping in the guest bedroom. I was in there now, pulling the covers back for her whilst she was in the bathroom. I had made it as cosy as possible for her but I couldn't stop myself from looking at the other side of the bed and how empty it'd be even when my Nan was in it. I didn't think she'd sleep much tonight.

I hurriedly wiped at my eyes when I heard her walk in. If she noticed I'd been crying she didn't say anything but then I hadn't expected her to. She placed her bag on the dresser and limped over to the bed, her walking stick resting against the wall by the door. She sat down heavily and glanced over at the other side like I had done. A small sigh left her lips but she seemed to remember I was there and smiled up at me. I still couldn't smile back properly but I managed a small grimace.

"Thank you," She said quietly.

"It's all right," I said, my voice crackly. "I guess I'll see you in the morning,"

My Nan looked displeased when I spoke. But the look in her eyes was gone as quickly as it'd come and I couldn't be sure she'd looked it at all. I bent down and felt her arm wrap around my back. I held back a sob as I pressed my face into her soft curls. My kiss on her forehead lasted for longer than I'd intended but she seemed to appreciate it.

"Night, darling," She said softly.

"Night, Nan," I said, turning back at the door. "I love you,"

"I love you too,"

I didn't know how much longer I could hold it in so I closed the door behind me quickly and shut myself in my own room next door. It looked exactly how I'd left it this morning. My bed wasn't made but I wanted it to be; I _needed _it to be. I pulled everything off of it and then remade it all again. Then I emptied everything out of my bedside table drawers and began to methodically fold up my underwear and socks, placing them all back in straight and tidy. When I was satisfied I turned off the light and changed into my pyjamas. They were soft against my skin and it felt nice to finally feel _clean. _

I took my I-Pod from beside the picture of my Granddad and put the headphones in my ears. When I switched it on I turned the volume up as loud as my ears could take it and closed my eyes, my favourite, comforting music blasting so that I couldn't really think much else. I lay there for hours that night, blackness all I could see, not allowing myself to remember or even think about the day. I had no idea about how I was supposed to get past this, to move through it but for now I was happy to just lie here, with my music, and block the world out.

I must have fallen asleep at some point for my Granddad was standing next to my bed. The room looked funny. It was still my room but there was a light around the outside, like the sun was shining through at all angles. He was wearing a purple jumper and his most comfortable trousers. I sat up straighter in bed, a huge smile spreading across my face. He looked so well that I almost forgot he'd been so ill. He smiled back at me and took my hand between both of his.

"Hello, darling," He said.

A jolt went through me for it was the first time I'd heard his voice in weeks. I suddenly felt complete, as if hearing him was the final piece of the puzzle. Even just seeing him here in the flesh, looking just how he used to, was enough to get the tears started and he frowned at me, like he didn't know what I was crying about.

"Hey," He said softly, letting go of my hand and wiping away the tears. "Please don't cry,"

"I miss you so much," I told him taking back his hand. "It happened today and I already miss you,"

"I miss you too," He said quietly. "I miss you all. But you'll see me again, I promise,"

I wasn't too convinced by this. He was speaking to the ground, almost like this was my goodbye and afterwards, well, that'd be it. He looked up when I didn't answer and smiled at me, taking my breath away in one split second.

"Tell your Nan that when it's her turn I'll be there, she won't be alone,"

I nodded to show him that I would but didn't think too much about what he was actually telling me; I just couldn't get over the fact that he was stood in front of me. I reached out a shaking hand and cupped his cheek, closing my eyes as my fingers grazed his stubble.

"Did it hurt?" I asked him childishly. I'm not quite sure what made that question leave my lips but I can't say I hadn't thought about it.

He seemed to consider his answer for a moment then said "Nah, not at all. It was quicker than falling asleep,"

At the rate I was going anything was quicker than falling asleep. I'd never been much of a sleeper but my life had taken a turn for the worst when I turned eleven and my parents had separated. Nothing had been the same since then. And now, with my Granddad, my best friend, it never would be again.

A panic formed in my chest when he let go of my hands and turned away.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"I have to go now," He said, looking towards the opposite wall, as if it held all the answers in the world for him. "I love you, darling,"

"I love you too, Granddad," I said, terrified to watch him disappear again but unable to look away.

He smiled once more at me before walking forwards and disappearing through the wall.

...

I don't remember any of the days after that. They all seemed to merge into one another, making them seem even longer than they used to be. I found myself waking up, getting up, going about as normal, except nothing was normal and it never would be again. I don't think I did much of anything. All I remember is lying on my bed, the curtains drawn to block out the light, my headphones once again blasting music into my ears.

A week after my Granddad died, two days before I was to go back to school after our Christmas break, I looked back and went through each and every little detail, trying to piece together the days of my life that I'd blocked out. But they all looked the same. Every day since _that _day I'd merely woken up and stayed in bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking; thinking about anything and everything. I can't say I'd slept much. I couldn't fall asleep because of my thoughts and even when I _did _fall asleep my dreams were haunted by images of his face.

I didn't eat anything either. My mom tried her best to force me to try at least but every time a piece of food made its way down my throat I felt sick. I ended up having a piece of toast of an evening but throughout the day I stayed in my room, ignoring the ache in my stomach that I knew wasn't due to lack of food.

I went back to school on the 10th of January. My mom offered to drive me there and I took her up on it because I didn't have the energy to walk. She asked me at least three times if I was sure about this, if I was ready, and I guess I was. I needed a distraction. I needed to be doing something other than lying in my bed all day. She kissed my cheek warmly and handed me a piece of paper, explaining that I was to give it to Principal Figgins. When I asked her what it was she told me that it explained what had happened over Christmas. She knew I was fragile, she knew this could present itself in a number of different ways. I quietly thanked her and put the note in my bag, unsure of whether or not I needed the help I would be given if I handed the note in.

It was at my locker that I first saw her. It was only a glimpse but it was enough to make me feel totally hooked. I didn't really see her face, just a curtain of shiny, dark hair as she disappeared around the corner, books hugged to her chest. I couldn't understand the feelings coursing through me as I stood there, my eyes locked on the spot she was just in. Suddenly a sharp shove greeted my side and I fell against the locker.

"Watch it, stupid," A voice called out as they walked past.

I watched David Karovsky high five his friend and continue strutting down the corridor, laughing. Tears burned in my eyes, I wasn't in the mood for this today, but I couldn't let them see me cry.

"Are you okay, princess?"

I turned around to see Kurt, my best friend, standing next to my locker. His bag was slung over his shoulder and he was gripping it with both hands, a sad expression on his face. I tried to nod but a tear escaped and I shook my head instead, looking down at the floor. His arms wrapped around me and I fell into him, never feeling more at home.

"Shhh, it's okay," He said, quietly, rubbing my back.

I know it's not okay, it's far from okay, but I appreciate him saying it all the same. Normally Karovsky and his friends don't bother me. I've suffered their abuse for long enough now that I just let it roll over me. But today, after the Christmas and New Year I've had, every insult feels like a slap in the face.

"Should we go and see Miss Pillsbury?" Kurt asked, my head still tucked against this shoulder.

I considered his offer as the corridors emptied around us. The note in my pocket suddenly felt as though it weighed a tonne. Giving it to Principal Figgins probably meant that I'd be referred to her anyway, if I decided to give it to him of course. I shook my head and drew back, wiping my eyes on my sleeve.

"I'll be okay," I lied, sniffing and opening my locker.

"Is it your Granddad?" Kurt asked hesitantly.

His words stopped me in my tracks. My hands shook but I found I couldn't move. My heart was pounding so hard that I swear I could feel it in my head. The rest of the corridor seemed to vanish from my view, shrinking further and further away until I couldn't even hear Kurt's voice anymore. I didn't know if it was the pain which came with hearing about him or the shock that hit me once again as I realised he was actually gone that caused the most distress to my heart.

"Brittany? Brittany," Kurt's voice sounded loud in my ears.

I shook my head slightly and turned to look at him, fresh tears pooling in my eyes. He looked like he was panicking, his eyes wider than usual, his mouth parted. I slowly took my books out of my locker and slammed it shut, walking round him without saying a word. I couldn't go to class, not now. I stumbled into the bathroom and locked myself in one of the cubicles. My emotions seemed to decide that they could show themselves for a pressure built up in my chest and I found myself doubled over, tears dripping down my cheeks as I tried to catch a breath.

His face appeared in my mind again and a sob escaped my lips. I had no idea it would be this hard. I'd experienced death only once before in my life but I'd been younger and I hadn't really known the relative who had died. I had still cried for her, mourned her, but it had been nothing like the pain I was feeling now.

It was ten minutes before I could stand up properly and another five after that before I cleaned myself up. I left the stall and stood in front of the sinks, my hands gripping the counter. I looked up at the mirror and glanced at my reflection. It wasn't something I usually did. I hated looking at myself. I hated seeing my ugly face and my fat body, all merged into one, looking back at me. When you're surrounded by pretty girls all day you start to look at yourself differently. You start to notice the things that make you different from them. And that's when you realise that you're not as beautiful as your mom is always telling you.

I splashed water onto my face and dried it with a couple of paper towels. I still didn't look presentable but right now I can't say I cared. I left the bathroom with my head down, unsure of where I was heading, if anywhere, and bumped straight into someone who was walking in the opposite direction. Their books scattered around us and I immediately bent down to retrieve them.

"I'm so sorry," I said over and over again, unsure of who exactly I was apologising to but knowing I had to.

"Don't worry about it, it's fine," It wasn't a voice I recognised.

I looked up at the girl crouching next to me and completely forgot what it was I was doing. It was the girl I'd seen earlier, from my locker, except now she was right in front of me. I noticed she was avoiding eye contact but at that moment it didn't matter. She was beautiful. From what I could see of her eyes they were big and round and filled with secrets. I didn't spend too long looking for I felt that it was a bit imposing; they do say that the eyes are the mirror of our souls. Her nose was perfectly shaped and her lips were full, coated with a thin layer of lipstick. Her skin was gorgeous too, not a single flaw on her anywhere. Her raven dark hair hung past her shoulders, obscuring her face from view when she moved to stand up. It was shiny and I was suddenly filled with an urge to run my fingers through it.

"Thanks," She said, her voice reminding me of wind chimes in the summer.

I handed her books to her and nodded, unable to speak anymore. A small smile crossed her lips but she was gone before I had time to process it. I watched her as she walked down the corridor and turned the corner, noticing quickly that she had a beautiful figure. My heart clenched, like someone had wrapped their fist around it and squeezed. Yet another one wandering the corridors who would make me feel awful.

I didn't realise until later, however, that I hadn't felt any of the feelings I got when looking at other girls. She hadn't made me feel uncomfortable, at least not in the sense that she was beautiful and I'm not. In fact, it was quite the opposite. And I didn't understand why.

...

I ended up taking the note to Principal Figgins at the end of the day. He read through it and smiled at me sympathetically, taking in my bloodshot eyes and the bags that produced underneath them. He told me that there were things in place, like Miss Pillsbury, that he could refer me to and I took him up on his offer, purely because I felt it would help to have someone to talk to. Sure, there was Kurt, but it wasn't the same.

I left his office, feeling far more tired than I'd have believed possible and made my way to the entrance. It'd been a terrible day. When I left the school I noticed Kurt sitting on the steps and I frowned; what was he doing here?

"Kurt?" I asked.

He turned around when I spoke and smiled, patting the space beside him. I sat down and placed my bag by my feet.

"Are you okay?" He asked me.

"What are you doing here?" I deflected back at him.

"Well, I know your mom has work until four and I didn't want you to wait on your own so..." I filled in the blanks.

"That's nice of you, Kurt. Thank you," I said softly, linking my arm through his and resting my head on his shoulder.

"You don't have to thank me," He said and I knew he rolled his eyes. "Have you seen the new kid?"

My mind instantly went back to the girl in the corridor and I didn't say anything, hoping he'd take my answer as a no and fill in the missing pieces.

"She's just transferred here from her old school," Kurt said. "But I don't know why yet,"

"Does it matter?" I asked him; sticking up for her for a reason I had no idea of.

"Of course it matters!" Kurt said. "She could be a drug dealer, or she could take drugs, or she could have been expelled because she's violent,"

I silently let out a sigh. It was always the same. New kids were judged as soon as they walked through the door. I felt sure that this new girl would spill her story in her own time and if she didn't? Well, that was her problem.

"Do you know her name?" I asked, secretly hoping he did because I really wanted to know.

"Santana Lopez," Kurt answered and a tingle went through my arms and around my body. It was a beautiful name; it fit her perfectly. Like everything else.

I looked up when a car horn honked and spotted my mom waving at me from across the parking lot. Kurt stood up before I did and held out his hand for me to take. I let him lift me up and wrapped my arms around his neck, putting into the hug words I couldn't speak. He seemed to understand for he tightened his grip around my waist.

"I'll see you tomorrow," I told him.

"See you tomorrow," He smiled.

I made my way to my mom quickly, mostly because I couldn't wait to get home, change into my pyjamas and get into bed, my music blasting into my ears. I opened the door and climbed in, glancing at the floor of the car briefly before deciding I could put feet down.

"Hey, honey," My mom said, waving politely to Kurt as she began to drive. "How was school? Did you give in the note?"

"School was fine," I lied. "And yes, I gave in the note,"

"What happened?"

I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat. I wasn't someone who could just lie about something; I knew I had to tell her. I was more worried about her reaction to it. She would probably be relieved that someone else was going to help me sort my problems out but she'd keep asking me questions about it and I hate questions.

"He referred me to our guidance counsellor," I said.

"Oh, that's good," As I guessed my mom's eyes lit up and she turned to me quickly to smile. "Make sure you talk to them,"

"I will do," I promised her even though I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about it yet.

When we got home I was intending to make a cup of tea and then go upstairs but my Nan was sitting on the couch in our living room with my sister on her lap. I knew that I wouldn't be able to go up now until she'd go home which was likely to be after dinner and the thought had my stomach twisting.

"Hi, Nan," I said, bending down to kiss her cheek.

"Hello, darling," She said, kissing me back. "How was school?"

"It was fine," I told her over my shoulder as I made my way into the kitchen.

I was on my own in there. I leant against the counter and closed my eyes, feeling a headache coming on. I wanted nothing more than to escape to my room and dive under the covers with my music until my mom came in to say goodnight but I knew that that wasn't going to happen. I switched the kettle on quickly to make it look like I was doing something and pulled a mug down from the cupboard.

When I'd made my tea I told my Nan and mom that I was just going upstairs to change and quickly walked to my bedroom, shutting the door behind me and sighing. I placed my tea on the desk and proceeded to taking off my clothes and putting on my pyjamas. I was instantly bathed in a calmness as I sat down on my bed in enclosed room. I knew I had to go back downstairs soon but for now I was content to just sit here, sipping tea and enjoying the solitude. When my phone started ringing I almost ignored it because I just wanted to be on my own but then I saw Kurt's name flashing across the screen and I knew I couldn't ignore him.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Britt," Kurt said. "I was just calling to see if you're okay,"

"I'm all right, Kurt," I said, smiling because he was so thoughtful.

"Are you up for a party tonight?" He asked me then.

My heart sank. I wasn't up for a party, and besides, I was already changed. I knew it wouldn't be until later but I didn't really have the energy either. My silence must have spoken volumes for Kurt started speaking again.

"You don't have to, not if you don't want to," He assured me.

"Whose party is it?" I asked.

"Well, it's Quinn's but she asked Puck and Puck asked Finn who asked me and I'm asking you," Kurt said. "I think most of Glee club are going,"

At this I found a conflict in my head. I had joined Glee in September last year when Mr Schue had taken over. It was where I'd met Kurt. Glee club had opened me up in many ways and these days it was the only place I felt comfortable within myself and the people who surrounded me. Quinn wasn't in Glee club but then thinking that I bet most people who were going to her party weren't either. I could always just hang around with the Glee kids. They wouldn't turn me away.

"You can stay with me," Kurt tried again.

"Okay, I'll come," I said reluctantly.

"Yay!" Kurt squealed down the phone. "I'll come and pick you up at around eight,"

"Okay, I'll see you then," I promised.

"Don't worry, Britt," He said softly. "It might do you some good to get out of the house,"

I agreed with him and then hung up the phone, my mind already in a battle with itself. What would I wear? I looked horrible in almost everything I owned. How would I do my hair? Any way I had it looked awful. I wasn't planning to leave Kurt's side and I didn't want to stay out too late.

I groaned and fell back against my pillows. I always did this to myself; I just couldn't say no. Thinking about the night ahead had my stomach in knots and my heart threatening to explode. My razor would help; my razor always helped.

**Here's the next chapter! I hope it doesn't disappoint! Thank you to everyone who reviewed, followed and favourited this story! I appreciate each and every one of them! In the next chapter we'll see how the party goes and Brittany's Granddad's funeral. Please read and review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello again! I'm sorry this chapter has taken a while to come along! My other fic 'Twisted' has a couple of chapters left and then it'll be finished so I will be able to focus all of my attention on this instead! **

**HannahWilliam33 – I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your Granddad. I also lost my Granddad and I know the pain that it can bring. To answer your question most funerals are sooner, you're right. I'm merely going on my experience. My Granddad's funeral wasn't for a week and a half and this is why I've had Brittany's Granddad's one so late on. I can also relate to this story in a lot of ways, I'm writing from my own experience! I hope you enjoy this chapter! And thank you for reviewing! **

**Chapter Three**

My arms were aching like hell. Looking down at them reminded me of a time when I was younger and had painted my entire body red just for the sake of it. I took a deep breath in and closed my eyes as a light-headedness washed over me, a feeling I was beginning to get used to. I seemed to have gone slightly overboard and I put this down to the anxiety I felt at the thought of the party and the depression that was grabbing me because of everything else.

I cursed myself at remembering the party. Hurting myself gave me the space I needed, the release I craved. It also helped me to forget why I was doing it in the first place, merely leaving behind the knowing that I had to keep doing it anyway. I would have to wear something long sleeved now so that no-one would be able to see the bandages I'd need to wrap around my wrists. I stood up and wobbled slightly, afraid to move my arms much more in case the blood dripped onto the carpet. I hesitantly listened at my door to make sure no-one was upstairs with me then used my elbow to open it.

I quickly walked to the bathroom and shut the door behind me, leaning back against it and breathing heavily. My left arm seemed to be worse so I used my right hand to wrap some tissue around it. The blood seeped through straight away so I continued to cover it in more until I couldn't see it anymore. Then I reached up into the medicine cabinet and took some bandages out although I wasn't sure how I was going to do this.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw blood from my right arm splash onto the tiled floor and my heart started pounding. I slowly but carefully used my left hand to wrap tissue around my right arm and then bent down to clean up the blood on the floor. I was finding it much trickier to clean up after myself today.

With both of my arms covered in tissue I proceeded to pulling the bandage around my arms and securing it in place with a safety pin. With both arms sorted I let out the breath I'd been holding and threw the bloody tissue into the toilet, making sure all traces of what I'd done were gone before I left the bathroom and made my way back to my room.

I was still shaking when I sat down, my hand trembling as I reached for my phone to check for any messages. Not that I thought there'd be any; Kurt had only called me half an hour ago. I was right in my assumptions. My phone merely flashed up the time to me. I sighed when I realised I had three hours left before Kurt came to pick me up.

I pulled a jumper on over my pyjamas, deciding to change later, and made my way back downstairs. My Nan was still sit on the couch, my little sister now playing with a toy on the floor. I smiled slightly at the sight of her before walking into the living room and putting on the face that I knew my Nan would want to see.

"You all right, darling?" She asked me, patting my knee clumsily.

"Yeah, I'm good," I lied, smiling widely at her and probably looking like an idiot. "How are you?"

"I'm just tired, Britt," My Nan answered, looking it as well. "It takes it out of you, planning your husband's funeral,"

I didn't know what to say to that but I didn't think I could speak anyway. As soon as the words left her lips I looked away and closed my eyes. The torrent of pain sweeping through me was enough to make me feel sick and I discreetly pressed down on my wrists to ease some of the pressure. I hadn't really thought about the funeral. I'd been so wrapped up in the fact that he'd actually gone that I hadn't even considered that part. The way I saw it funerals were seen as closure. Or they were supposed to be about that anyway. A way to watch the person who'd died disappear, a chance to say goodbye.

"When is it?" I asked when I'd regained myself.

"We've arranged it for the 13th," My Nan replied, looking like she was trying to stop herself from crying too.

That gave me two days. Two full days before I had to say goodbye to him. I was grateful when my mom entered the room because I needed her to say something; I needed her to focus the conversation on something else, a_nything _else, before I lost it completely. I watched her pick my sister up and place her on my Nan's other side, ready to eat I suppose. I shifted away from my Nan slightly, not understanding why but needing to put some distance between us. When no-one said anything I decided to speak up, hating the silence that we were falling into.

"Uh, mom, I've been invited to a party tonight," I said and then added, "Kurt's picking me up at eight,"

My mom looked up in concern. I knew she was worried about me, I could see it in her eyes every day. But this party was something I now felt I needed to go to, purely because I couldn't stand sitting here and hearing the unspoken thoughts processing through both of their minds.

"I'm not sure, Britt," My mom said hesitantly, giving my sister another spoon of whatever rubbish she was eating. "Don't you have school in the morning?"

"Yeah but I've been to parties the day before school before," I reasoned.

"Oh let her go, Susan," My Nan joined in, looking at my mom like she was mad. "It'll do her some good to get out,"

I silently thanked the heavens that my Nan was on board. With it being two against one I knew my mom would give in eventually; especially because she could never keep an argument up when it was with my Nan. Her eyes began to search mine but I was giving nothing away. I just looked back at her, pleading slightly until she nodded.

"Okay, but Britt, please be careful," My mom made me promise.

"I will mom," I told her. "I'll just stay with Kurt,"

My mom nodded again and turned back to my sister. I sighed quietly and leant back against again the couch. It was going to be a long evening.

...

At eight o' clock I was sat in the porch waiting for Kurt to show up. I had a pair of black leggings on and a long sleeved jumper that hugged my figure. I'd been ages searching for shoes but had decided on some boots, feeling I had to at least be comfortable tonight. I'd even packed a small bag so that if it got too late I could crash at Kurt's and go to school with him so that I wouldn't bother my mom coming home.

I was worried about tonight. I knew I'd be surrounded by cheerleaders and football players and other kids I didn't know and it did nothing to slow down my heart. Sure, the Glee club would be there too but we weren't exactly high up on the social ladder. I looked up when a car approached the drive and saw Kurt waving at me. I stood up and shut the porch door behind me, double checking it just to make sure.

"Hey, Kurt," I said, climbing into the car and thanking God it was clean.

"Hey, Britt," Kurt said, looking me over before continuing the drive. "You're looking gorgeous as always,"

"I'm not gorgeous," I muttered, refusing to look at him.

"We don't have to go tonight," He assured me, obviously picking up on my mood. "We can go and see a movie instead,"

"No, it's fine," I promised him, realising as I spoke that it was true.

"If you want to go home at any point, just let me know," He said.

"Thank you, Kurt," I said, truly meaning it. "Can I leave my bag in your car?"

"Of course, you don't have anything valuable in there, do you?"

"Only my phone,"

Kurt rolled his eyes dramatically and held his hand out, making sure to keep his eyes on the road. I pulled my phone out of my bag and gave it to him, watching as he put it in his own pocket.

"I don't drink," He told me correctly interpreting my silence. "Your phone is safe with me,"

I nodded politely at him and focused my attention back to looking out of the window. The rest of the drive was spent in a comfortable silence but I was quickly pulled out of my comfort zone when we pulled up down the road from Quinn's house. I took a deep breath before getting out of the car and following Kurt. My heart was pounding behind my ribcage and I was shaking but I knew a drink would help to calm my nerves.

The party was in full swing by the looks of it and I found myself wondering when exactly it'd started. There were people everywhere, most of them holding various glasses of alcohol. I edged my way past all of them, following Kurt through the door and making my way through the living room. The music was so loud I could practically feel it all over my body, as if it was giving me a whole new pulse. All the lights were dimmed so I couldn't really see much and I bumped into a few bodies as I walked towards the kitchen.

Kurt handed me a bottle of beer and I began to chug it down, hoping to clear away the pain I could feel ripping me apart from the inside out. He watched me worriedly as I went onto my second, raising my eyebrows at him. I wasn't his problem; he didn't have to spend all night making sure I was all right.

"Hey, guys!"

I turned my head to see Rachel Berry making her way towards us. I smiled warmly at her before taking another drink. I didn't have anything against Rachel. Sure, she was annoying as hell and she always got what she wanted but that was only because she tried so hard to make it happen. I had a lot of respect for the girl; not many people would feel comfortable being her and parading it around without a care.

"Are you enjoying yourselves?" Rachel asked, a huge smile on her face as she looked around.

"Oh, we only just got here," Kurt replied.

"I've been here for about forty minutes," Rachel said. "Finn made me come with him,"

"Did he really?" Kurt asked, always ready to seize onto gossip. "But wasn't he here for Quinn?"

"Oh yeah, he was," Rachel said and I frowned in confusion. "But I think he's into me,"

"So, wait... Finn's with Quinn but he asked you to come here with him?" I asked.

"Yeah," Rachel said, nodding seriously.

"Huh, he must like you then,"

Rachel's smile went, if possible, even bigger. I'd known from the moment she'd first set eyes on him that she liked him. I'm sure hearing he liked her back must be a big thing for her. I was happy for her. I followed them both back into the living room where all the furniture had been moved back and people were dancing in the space it left behind. Kurt and Rachel started dancing together so I grabbed what looked like vodka and downed it in one.

An hour into the party and I could barely stand upright. I felt good though; everything I'd been feeling earlier had been taken away by the alcohol. I'd lost sight of Kurt so I decided to go and look for him outside. I stumbled through the crowd and found the patio door was already open. I stepped out and closed my eyes as a breeze swept across my face. It was nice after the warmth of the house, with all the bodies pressing up against each other. I'd barely made it across the grass, searching the faces for Kurt, before I bent over and emptied the contents of my stomach.

I shakily wiped my mouth on my sleeve and watched as the few people outside went back inside, muttering amongst themselves. Great, I've made myself even more of a pariah. I slowly made my way back to the steps and sat down heavily, putting my head between my legs.

"Are you okay?"

This time I knew whose voice it was. I looked up too fast and felt nauseous again. I forced myself to swallow it and stayed staring at her, feeling my insides squirm uncomfortably anyway. She was looking at me in concern, her hands wrapped around a glass of clear liquid. I wondered if she'd been there all along, watching from the sidelines.

"I'm fine," I said to her but it must have come out slurred for she arched an eyebrow questioningly.

I settled for a nod instead and put my head back between my legs, trying to rid myself of the feelings I was having. She stayed silent as I sat there, her nail occasionally hitting the glass and making me jump even though it wasn't even that loud. When I finally raised my head I found that I could do so without it being too difficult, although I could feel a pounding beginning.

"I didn't expect you to be here," I admitted, saying my words slowly so that she'd understand them.

She shrugged. "Puck invited me,"

"Oh, do you know him?" I asked, judging silently by the look on her face that she didn't like him much.

"Yeah, I've known him for a while," She said but I could tell she was holding something back.

"But you've just moved here?" I wasn't normally one for pushing but I was drunk and I wasn't really thinking straight anyway.

"I've just transferred to McKinley," She corrected me, still not meeting my eyes. "I've lived down Puck's street for years; we went to the same school when we were kids,"

I wanted to ask her more but she'd turned away from me slightly so I knew she was trying to steer the conversation away. I was about to speak again but she cut me off, her eyes meeting mine and making my heart stop.

"You should get home," She told me.

"But it's not even ten yet," I said, frowning.

"You'll be safer there,"

To me it sounded like a threat but by the worry in her eyes I wasn't too sure. Before I could say anything the back door opened and someone stepped outside. I tried to turn around and see who it was but the light from the kitchen made the backs of my eyes burn and I faced Santana instead to sort my head out. The look on her face was enough to make me turn back at the person however. Her eyes had clouded over, like she couldn't see anything anymore but there was a look of fear on her face that had me wondering what on earth was going on.

"Santana, there you are,"

Puck's voice shot through my head, loud and clear, and I turned back around to face him. My neck was starting to hurt from all this moving.

"Sorry, I just needed some air," Santana said, snapping out of wherever she went and standing up, brushing herself off. I couldn't be sure but it seemed like she was doing everything she could to prolong going inside with him. "I'll see you around, Brittany,"

I watched as Puck held the door open for her and then let it swing shut again. My mind was buzzing from the alcohol and the questions that were racing through it. I couldn't really make much sense from the conversation I'd had with her and I sincerely hoped I'd remember it tomorrow so I could go over it in more detail.

Something I knew I'd definitely remember was how I felt, sitting in such close proximity with her. I'd never felt that way before, for anyone. She made me feel safe. I couldn't explain the feeling even if I tried but being near her made me feel protected. My heart had been going so fast in my chest I wouldn't have been surprised if it'd jumped out. My hands had been sweating. There were butterflies in my stomach, pressing up against me, but they weren't normal nervous ones. They felt nice. And suddenly it dawned on me; how did she know my name?

"Brittany, I've been looking for you everywhere,"

Kurt appeared from behind me and knelt down in front of me, assessing my features.

"Are you ready to go home?" He asked me gently.

I knew I'd barely lasted more than a couple of hours but I nodded anyway. I'd drunk way too much in a short space of time to be able to carry on much longer. Kurt smiled softly and stood up, holding his hand out for me to take. I took it and stumbled but he wound his arm around my waist and began to help me back through the house and out the front door. As Kurt helped me into the car I spotted Santana, sitting with Puck on the porch swing. She looked incredibly downcast but looked up when I did and a look of relief passed her features as if she was glad I was going. It was gone as quickly as it'd arrived, however, and I couldn't be sure I'd seen it at all.

...

The sound of Kurt's alarm ringing had me pulling the covers over my head to block out my hearing. It felt like a thousand knives were stabbing my brain all at once and I sighed in relief as Kurt reached over and turned it off. I felt him sit up and stretch, his arms raising above his head as he yawned.

"Morning, Brittany," He said brightly.

I merely groaned back at him and he chuckled, climbing out of bed and pulling on his dressing gown.

"Come on, otherwise we'll be late for school,"

I lifted the covers away from my face and squinted against the sunlight streaming through his window. I had no idea how I'd make it through school today with the headache I had and the feeling of nausea that came along with sitting up. I glanced around as I lay there, realising that I hadn't really paid much attention to his room when we'd come in last night. I liked it.

"You can have a shower first if you want," Kurt called to me from his bathroom.

"I don't know if I'll survive school," I muttered, forcing myself to swing my legs over the side of the bed.

"You can stay here if you like," Kurt offered, throwing me a towel.

"I shouldn't really," I said although his offer was incredibly appealing.

"Honestly, do you not think everyone else at that party will be having the day off?" Kurt asked me. "Those of them who drank anyway,"

"I don't know, Kurt,"

"I could always drop you home before I go if you'd prefer,"

I pondered his offer for a while. I shouldn't really take time off of school but Principal Figgins wouldn't notice. Then I remembered that I'd had a couple of days off after Christmas and I realised with a jolt that I couldn't have any more time off. Kurt smirked at me as I walked towards him, trying to force the bile in my throat to stay down.

"Shut up," I muttered to him as he started laughing.

"Sorry," He said hastily but I could still hear him chuckling long after I'd shut the door.

...

Every locker that banged shut sounded like a gun shot. I took longer than normal to close my own and even then it hurt my ears. I'd already thrown up twice this morning but thankfully it hadn't happened on school premises. Yet. As lunch drew nearer, however, and the smells from the cafeteria wafted through each classroom I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it down for long.

I practically ran to the girl's bathroom, quickly locking the door behind me and emptying my stomach again in the toilet. I leant back against the cubicle wall and closed my eyes, hoping to dispel some of the feelings coursing through me. As I sat there my mind drifted back to last night and the conversation I'd had with Santana. It was the first time all day I'd had the time and the peace to go over it.

The first thing that came to mind was Puck. She said she'd known him when she was younger, that they'd gone to school together. Yet, somehow, along the way, they'd ended up going to different high schools. Now, just after Christmas, she'd just transferred to the same school as him even though she looked positively terrified whenever he was around. My head started to spin; I couldn't make sense of any of it. And why had she wanted me to leave the party? What did she care if I was safe and away from any harm? I'd only met her once before that and that was when I'd practically knocked her over in the corridor. And she knew my name; somehow she knew my name. I tried to think back, to see if I'd let it slip somewhere but I couldn't recall it.

I forced myself to stand up and wobbled precariously. I thought I'd have to go home but after a few seconds the spinning stopped and I was able to flush the toilet and leave the cubicle. I splashed water on my face and washed my hands thoroughly, hoping to make myself feel a bit better. It seemed to work; the water was cold anyway.

Kurt was standing by my locker when I went back to it. His face sagged in relief when he saw me and I wondered how long he'd been standing there.

"There you are," He said. "Where have you been? Are you okay?"

"Sorry, I was in the bathroom," I told him, smacking him lightly when he started to smile.

"That's what you get for drinking," He winked at me.

"Yeah, well..." I told him, getting my books and linking my arm through his as we began to walk down the corridor.

"I'm guessing you don't want any lunch then?" He said.

"You guess correctly," I smiled.

We both stopped and moved against the wall, putting as much space as possible between us and the Cheerio's that were strutting down the corridor. Quinn Fabray stood at the front whilst the rest all followed behind her. She smirked at us as she went past and I frowned back at her; what was it with making people feel so small?

"It's the tryouts this afternoon," Kurt said bitterly as we watched them disappear around the corner. "You should see the length of the signup sheet,"

"I bet Sue just does it to make fun of people," I replied as we started walking again.

"Why don't you sign up for it?" Kurt asked me.

"Me? You are joking,"

"Brittany, you're an excellent dancer. I really think it'd be good for you,"

"No way, there is no chance of me joining them," I said firmly.

Kurt sighed. "I just think you're so talented..."

"Kurt, thank you, but really, I don't want to be like them,"

Kurt stopped me in my tracks by holding his arm out and blocking me. "Brittany, even if you did join you could never be like them. They have no heart and you have the biggest heart I know. I don't think it'd change you, you're too kind to be like them,"

My heart swelled at Kurt's words but I knew there was no way in hell I would be joining. I hadn't exactly lied to Kurt about why but there were other reasons. I didn't have the confidence for a start, plus they all seemed to have their arms and legs on show pretty much all the time, and even showing mine for a second, would cause devastation.

...

On the Thursday, the morning of the 13th, I stood in my Nan's flat, gazing out of the window. I hadn't slept at all last night and I knew I looked dreadful but I couldn't bring myself to care. My little sister was staying with my stepdad's mother who hated funerals so at the moment it was only me, my Nan, my mom and my stepdad there. I knew that my Granddad's family, his brothers and sisters, would be arriving any minute now so I stayed looking out of the window, watching for them.

My Nan looked beautiful. She was wearing a pair of black trousers and a white shirt. She also had a black cardigan but she hadn't put it on yet. She was adjusting her jewellery and fluffing up her hair in the mirror. My mom was sat in the chair my Granddad once occupied, staring into space like she'd forgotten where she was.

I slowly reached up a hand and began to rub the necklace my Granddad had bought me between my thumb and finger. I couldn't believe this was happening, I couldn't believe that we were all here, coming together, to say goodbye to my best friend. I knew his family were travelling a long way to be here today and I was very grateful to them for making the trip. His twin brother was coming with his wife; his sister was coming with her husband and daughter; my Nan's brother would be coming with his wife; her sister would be coming with her daughter and her three grandchildren. It amazed me really that my grandparents had touched the hearts of so many people.

When a car pulled up outside I turned around and told my Nan who followed my gaze outside and began to follow my mom to the main lounge of the block of flats. I stopped when we entered the lounge. There were people everywhere, all wearing black, all planning on attending the funeral. Their next door neighbour was there with her husband, the old people who lived in their corridor were there, the old people who lived upstairs were there. I couldn't believe how many people were going to do this for him.

They all crowded my Nan when we walked in, offering their condolences, and speaking about my Granddad like they knew him inside out. They told me how special he was and how much he loved me and my sister. I smiled politely at them as they spoke but inside I was aching.

There was a lot to do as we waited for the hearse to arrive. All the family from both my Nan and Granddad's side had now got here and we spent at least twenty minutes saying hello to them all and thanking them for coming. My heart turned to stone when the hearse appeared. I pulled on my mom's arm and pointed and the smile slid from her face.

We all made our way outside, although most of the old people went out the back to get in their own cars. The hearse was beautiful. The mahogany coffin was placed in the middle with flower arrangements surrounding it. They spelled the word '_Dad'_. My breath caught in my throat and a sob escaped my lips. My mom wrapped her arm around my shoulders as we stood, just staring at the coffin that held my Granddad.

We all climbed into the car accompanying the hearse and made our way to the crematorium. I didn't once take my eyes off of the coffin but I could barely see it anyway due to the tears blurring my vision. The crematorium was beautiful. It looked like a tiny stone church building and it was in the middle of a forest. Flowers and wildlife surrounded it, making it seem like something from a fairytale.

We waited for a few minutes as they took the coffin from the back of the car and began to carry it inside. I held a single red rose in my hand to place on it when we got inside. My hands were shaking so much that I feared I'd dropped it or something. The music my Nan had picked began to play, a melody so beautiful that it created tears of its own.

_When I am alone I sit and dream_

_And when I dream the words are missing_

_Yes I know that in a room so full of light _

_That all the light is missing_

The coffin was placed on the conveyor belt that would take my Granddad away at the end of the service. I followed behind my Nan and my mom who had her arm around her small frame so that, if she fell, she wouldn't fall alone. My dad, who had loved my Granddad with everything inside of him, was walking beside me, tears falling down his cheeks. I realised with a jolt that I'd never seen him cry before.

_But I don't see you with me, with me_

_Close up the windows; bring the sun to my room_

_Through the door you've opened_

_Close inside of me the light you see_

_That you met in the darkness_

I didn't stop until I was alone by my Granddad's coffin. It freaked me out that the hand I'd held when I'd cried, the face I'd kissed every day, the body I'd hugged my whole life, was inside there right now, lifeless, gone. With a sob I placed the rose where his heart should be and, with everyone's eyes on me, I leant over and wrapped my arms around him. It took a lot for me to draw myself away. When I finally did I hurried to my seat, beside my dad, and made sure not to look the priest in the eyes.

_Time to say goodbye_

_Horizons are never far_

_Would I have to find them alone_

_Without true light of my own with you_

The priest began to read passages from the Bible but I can't say I believed in God. I know I used to, as a child I'd write to Him in my diary, asking for advice and talking to Him about my problems. Now, however, I was beginning to doubt my faith. Especially after the loss I'd suffered.

_I will go on ships overseas_

_That I now know_

_No, they don't exist anymore_

_It's time to say goodbye_

My Nan's body was shaking as the priest began to speak of my Granddad like he would an old friend. He mentioned his life, his friends, the kind of things he did. I was learning some things about him that I didn't know before. Judging by the expressions of everyone else's faces they already knew.

_When you were so far away_

_I sit alone and dream of the horizon _

_Then I know that you are here with me, with me_

_Building bridges over land and sea_

_Shine a blinding light for you and me_

_To see, for us to be_

"And now, Brittany, would like to say a few words," The priest said, offering up the stand to me.

I froze. I had completely forgotten my request to speak on behalf of us all. I knew what I wanted to say, it'd be saying it that would be the problem. I shakily stood up and made my way to the stand. It was terrifying, standing up in front of everyone. Normally I would have refused point blank to do it but I knew my Granddad would be proud of me. And that's all I'd ever wanted.

_Time to say goodbye_

_Horizons are never far_

_Would I have to find them alone_

_Without true light of my own with you_

_It's time to say goodbye_

"I miss my Granddad," I started, my voice catching. I took a deep breath and tried again. "I miss my Granddad. I miss the feel of his hand against mine. I miss the way he made me feel so safe whenever he hugged me. I miss the laughs we had and the tears we shared. My Granddad was a man who touched the hearts of many people. He was the nicest man you could ever meet in your life. I am one of the lucky ones because I didn't only have him as a Granddad, I had him as a best friend."

I turned towards the coffin, tears staining my face.

"Granddad, I love you so much and I'm pretty sure I'll miss you forever. I'll make sure to look up at the stars, every night, and look for the biggest one out there because I know you'll be looking back at me, smiling just like always,"

As soon as the last word left my lips I fell forward, sobs wracking my body, as I finally let go of the man who'd made my life incredible, just by being in it.

**I hope this chapter didn't disappoint! Let me know what you thought by reading and reviewing! Song in this chapter was Time to say Goodbye by Sarah Brightman. **


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